This blog is a community of bereaved and grieving adults regardless of how long ago their loss was.
We do not provide therapy, crisis management, religious opinions,
We do not criticize or tell others what to do.
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This blog is a community of bereaved and grieving adults regardless of how long ago their loss was.
We do not provide therapy, crisis management, religious opinions,
We do not criticize or tell others what to do.
December 8, 2006 at 6:42 pm
I am suffering so badly. I lost
December 8, 2006 at 6:54 pm
I lost my husband of 35 years on Nov. 2, 2oo5 and my mom and best friend june 20, 2006. honebtly i can’t go on . i can barely even type because i am so weak and hurting from greif. please someone help me. i havn’t even begun greiving for mom because all i can think of is my husband. i feel like i am dying and really wish i would. i hate life and am so angry inside. if this is going to cost me anything don’t bother to answer. i have been rippedoff enough, so much that i don’t have a dime. don’t know where i am going to go. have 4 grown children and 3 grandchildren and no money for christmas. wish i could fall off the planet.
December 8, 2006 at 11:53 pm
I’m so sorry you are hurting so much.
this is a free blog to create a community of support for people who have lost a loved one regardless how long ago.
There is no easy answer to our grief. I wish I could say I knew how to fix it but I don’t.
I simply know that it is a journey I have walked and while I feel my sorrow, I have also felt my joy.
Your recent loss is very very fresh and the wound stil wide open.
Sending you peaceful thoughts
December 24, 2006 at 8:43 pm
Vickie,
I am so sorry for your loss. Too much, too soon, too overwhelming to even wrap my head around. There is a website called “DailyStrength.org” It’s free and one of the communities is Bereavement. There are folks who have lost children, parents and spouses. Some who are learning to cope and some who are just barely hanging on. You can leave your story, write a daily journal, read other peoples’ journal entries and share hugs, support, messages and flowers. It’s not going to fix anything nor does it claim that it will. But it’s a place to go where you don’t have to be alone, can get almost immediate feedback and you’ll find others you can share your experiences with. It will help Vickie. At the very least you will see that you are not alone. I am also listed in the Bereavement community and my name is Janine. If you see this and if you go there….. carasmom is a wonderful source for love and support. She is wise and kind and just lost her daughter Cara last October. My love to you- Janine
December 29, 2006 at 1:59 am
Vickie,
My wife of 10 years died on November 17, out of a freak illness that came out of the blue. In fact, we had our 10th anniversary on 10/14 of this year, just a month before her death, and had no idea of what was coming.
I know that what people say help to an extent, on one level, but don’t help the pain at all. All I can say is that I’m there with you. Look around for the beauty in things. The way fog hangs in the air in a quiet backyard. The people driving down the road that don’t know what this kind of pain is, and may never have to. Good music.
Think of what you’re going to do later in the day. Try to make it hour by hour, and before you know it, another day has gone by.
Watch your children and grandchildren. Revel in the life you had, and how lucky you were to have that love while you had it.
I know this doesn’t help, and I hope it means something that I hope very much that your pain eases, just as I think that mine will eventually.
Take care of yourselve, Vickie, because you’re important.
December 29, 2006 at 1:59 am
Yourselve… d’oh.
January 2, 2007 at 2:09 am
At this point I’m not sure this will even get posted. I looked for the rules or how to sign in, but found nothing.
I can relate with how you’re feeling, Vickie. In May I lost my husband of 39 years and in September his mother. With the holidays my grief has become unbearable. The weird part is that I should’ve died a little over 3 years ago. I had an allergic reaction to Heparin and my husband was told They didn’t think I’d make it. He prayed night and day for me and in the end all I lost was the lower portion of my right leg. A year after that he was dianosed with stage 4 colon cancer. We got 18 months before he passed. I grabbed every moment with him, but in the end that has not been enough for the years I will have ahead of me without him. I honestly believe the Lord left me live so I could help him through his ordeal and give him a reason to fight that dreaded disease. But now I ask, without him, what do I do with me? I get my widow’s portion from Social Security and I’ve been on disability for Crohn’s Disease since 2003 which I continue to get. But the real light and joy in my life is no longer with me. I, too, would like to crawl up into a ball and die just as his mother did. Because my grieving got put on hold with his mother’s turn in health, people think I was doing just hunky dorey and don’t understand why now I’m grieving so. Also, I try to put on my good face when I’m around others, so they don’t know my heart and being feels totally broke now. All the tears are in the private solitude of my home when I’m all alone. Why do I fear letting others know I’ve come unhinged? I just hate where I’m at and that I’m here all alone. Somehow we’ve got to work our way through all of this and find a new reason and purpose for living. But it sure is hard. Perhaps when this Spring comes we too will come alive again. The year of firsts has got to be the worst, hopefully.
Carole
January 6, 2007 at 5:08 am
I just found this site and feel like I have found a new friend. I lost my only child, Keith, on 2/21/97. Most of my friends left, too. Internet was just becoming popular. Since I lost interest in everything I am brand new to the internet and having a lot of trouble finding my way around.
I’ve basically spent the past ten years trying to find help for myself and others who are grieving, but that is very hard to find. I have scheduled a round-table discussion for our community in February, 2007 on the issue of whether or not our community provides help to the bereaved. I hope to validate the fact that we do not, and hopefully if our newspaper will cover our discussion, we can get a task force to begin trying to create help for the bereaved. So far, all of the stories that I read seem to indicate that not very communities in America provide services for grieving individuals.
Since my son died, I have not made New Years Resolutions. This year I did, but they were fairly pathetic. I’m going to try to stop putting the bleach in the fridge and pouring the milk in the washing machine. I’m going to try to remember which Dr. Pepper can I’m drinking from and which one I’ve been putting my cigarettes out in. I’m going to try to remember where I parked my car. I’m going to try to remember where I’m going. I’m going to try to remember to see if an elderly couple is sitting in the back seat of “my car” before I discover that “my keys” won’t start “my car”. I’m going to try to remember that my car is a gray Plymouth. If I drink another Dr. Pepper with cigarette butts in it, I may try to stop smoking. When I get tired of setting my ink pens on fire and trying to write with my cigarette, I may try to smoke less and write more. And the next time a police officer pulls me over for driving too slow, I resolve not to voluntarily tell him that it could perhaps be the new meds that my psychiatrist is giving me for depression. If I notice that someone is watching me when I do any of these things, I’m going to try to remember that it’s not a good time to tell them that I’m not crazy.
January 23, 2007 at 10:41 pm
I lost my husband one year ago – January 5th – and have done OK until now. He was sick for many years, and I also took care of my 97 year old Mom until I had to put her in a nursing home two years ago (she is still living). I had to go back to work and I now have an empty house… where before I would have given anything for one minute of peace. I cooked 3 meals a day, cleaned, took care of the yard (which I love), but now there is just a big ole empty house. My only saving grace are my two labs. I would love to just curl up in my bed, cover my head and stay there. I can hardly get up in the morning to go to work and I pretend to be happy all day because no one wants to see my unhappy. Then I go home and sit with my pups. I am not interested in going out or going to church…I am not interested in anything. However, I hate being alone. It is really crazy. I know I would feel better being with people, but I just don’t have the energy. I try to exercise like the Dr. says, get involved, but even exercise is not really a help. I hope this feeling will pass.
February 6, 2007 at 5:41 am
I lost my husband on Sept. 18, 2006. I still miss him so much. He comes to me in dreams. I am not sure how to get through this life without him. I keep going thur my faith.
February 8, 2007 at 11:45 pm
Charlotte said “And the next time a police officer pulls me over for driving too slow, I resolve not to voluntarily tell him that it could perhaps be the new meds that my psychiatrist is giving me for depression. If I notice that someone is watching me when I do any of these things, I’m going to try to remember that it’s not a good time to tell them that I’m not crazy.”
Charlotte, you are not crazy. You are experiencing grief. It has to be hard to loose a son. How are you doing today?
February 12, 2007 at 12:05 am
I have read so many of your stories and I can relate to most of the feelings. I lost my husband of 41 years on Sept. 26, 2006 and I am totally lost. I go to work everyday and I function as a normal person but it is a ruse, I leave there and go home to an empty home and all I do is cry and beg God to help me. He doesn’t. My daughter who is going thru her own grief is wonderful and does all she can to help me to not feel lonesome or sad. It doesn’t help. I don’t let her know that I am feeling that life is no longer worth living and I put on a good face for her and everyone else in my life. It seems like people would rather not talk about my husband and I get the feeling, though no one has come out and said it, that friends feel I should be over this and beginning to move on. I am not. I am now going to a bereavement group thru hospice. It is a place where I and the others can say whatever we need to without being judged as being a bit crazy or lacking in whatever it is one needs to cope with the loss of a loved one. It’s comforting to know that the others in my group are experiencing all or some of what I am experiencing. It’s comforting to hear the counselor say it takes a long time to get over grieving and that there is no set time limit to stop grieving. It’s nice to hear that in time I will be able to think of my darling husband without tears and heartache. I only wish I truly believed that I will not hurt like this for the rest of my life. I do not.
I wish with all my heart that I could give comforting words to all of you who are going thru this pain. I can’t right now. I can send you my sympathies and my hope that you will be all right sometime soon.
I hope that someday I will be able to function fully and if that day ever comes I hope that I can find a way to start some sort of group that will help people who are grieving. My hsuband died in Sept. and I had to wait until Jan. for a group to begin with the hospice in my area. It’s a miracle I made it because I had thoughts of notwanting to be on this planet anymore and it took a great deal of strength not to end it all. It just seemed to hurt to much to go on. It seems like there should be an ongoing group that would allow people to come into whenever they need to.
I will stop rambling now. I just needed to get this out.
February 13, 2007 at 10:00 pm
I’m so glad you expressed yourself and please write as often and as much as you would like.
by each of us sharing, we help ourselves and each other.
I have faith in you. Feeling as deeply as you do shows just how much alive you are. eventually you will find yourself in your grief…who you are now.
March 25, 2007 at 10:02 am
I just lost my 10 year old daughter on Feb 16th last month. I visit the cemetary 2,3 times a day. I cry and cry and cry. I miss her so much. It was 5 weeks yesterday and I can’t even imagine what it will be like to live my life like this. I am still I guess in shock,I’m num, so so sad, angry, confused, every negative emotion there is I am. It gets worse and I get flashbacks of alot of bad things. My stomach and my whole chest hurts. I get a hot searing feeling from my stomach to my chest. I want to die, I thought seriously about killing myself. The only reason I haven’t yet is because I have a 16 yr old son. I don’t want to hurt him. Or Im torn between him and being with my daughter. We’ve been inseperable for the 10 yr of her life. Im also close to my son but he doesnt need me. Hes older, my husband could care less about me and is emotionally dead to me and I guess thinks its the hardest for him. We just fight or he sleeps. Hes not there for me at all. I have to hold in my own stuff so my household doesn’t fall apart. He doesn’t even ask me how Im doing. I was the one who took care of her and we talked about all of our “secrets” we shared everything. I didn’t even live home 7 months out of the last year. My daughter was inpatient for that time and inbetween at the clinic 3X a week with me. I quit my job to take care of her. I enjoyed her company so much. She was beautiful in and out, smart, funny, cool, loving, helpful, & loved life and wanted to help others whenever she could. She didn’t really complain with everything she went through for 5 years.She was cooperative w/hosptial staff even though they were hurting her alot of times. She suffered so much and kept fighting to be with her family she loved so much. I hate my life right now and feel like she was the only one who understood me at all. She was the only “girl”. My mom passed away after my daughter was diagnosed w/cancer my mom was then also and hers was so agressive she was in stage 4 and didn’t live long after. I dont think I ever even got to grieve her death. I still think she in in Florida. I live in NY. I still think my daughter is in the hospital sometimes. I cant function. I think I can and realize Im really not doing a good job of it. I dont even know who I am.I gave my life up (Im not complaining about that either) Id gladly do it in a second again with her. I’D more than gladly switch places with her so she could live a life & Ill take her place. Damn it I don’t know how to do this. I need her back so bad. I want to hold her, kiss her, lay with her, have our girl talks, go shopping w/her, do crafts, cook, watch the food channel and dream of the future things we were going to do together. Im so LOST!
March 25, 2007 at 11:11 pm
I found your site today and was happy to find a place where one can express their feelings. I, too, lost my dear angel son Ron one year ago April 10th of this year. He was 24 years old and a Daytona Beach Police Officer. On the night of April 10, Ron shot his fiance and himself. If I had lived a hundred years I never would have imagined that this could happen and to Ron. He never had mentioned suicide. He was a non-violent man – so compassionate. He and his fiance had had some issues going on and on that night she went to his place to spend the night. He had in his system a number of anti-depressants. He had been more depressed than I had ever seen him. He was married at 18 to his high school sweetheart and had great faith in the Lord. That marriage didn’t work out and he never really got over it. He moved away from MA, his home and went to Fl to become a police officer. He wanted to leave the pain behind. That was in 2002. After leaving and becoming an officer, he begged his Dad and me to sell our home and come to live where he was. After 3 years we sold our home and moved to Daytona. We moved in September and Ron told us that his life was complete. He died in April of 2006, six months later. We have now moved back to MA – too painful in FL. We did everything with him there. My husband did ride-alongs with him. We spent every day with him. I don’t know if it was the stress of the job or the anti-depressants on top of his depression or both, but I can’t believe that I now will live my life without my best friend. I believe that Ron lost his mind that night and after shooting his fiance, took his own life. In the investigation report, it states as a final analysis that Ron had no premeditation of what he did. I am a Christian and want to do everything I can to love and lead others to the Lord, as time is short. But, it doesn’t seem short to me. Everyday is a getting through. I am stuck in horrible grief and pain. I feel like I let everyone down as I’m always cancelling plans.
It is so hard. I miss him beyond words! My other son lives in Australia with his wife. Life is very lonely. Thank you for listening.
March 27, 2007 at 7:20 am
Coralee, I am so sorry for your pain. You know I understand that pain. I dont know how to get through this either. Now here you are almost a year past me in grief and it doesn’t seem like it gets any better. I know Rons anniversary is coming up and maybe that is why your are hurting even more now. I didn’t even do a holiday yet. I have Easter coming and dont want to celebrate at all. Other people told me (you have probably heard this, but I’m just trying to help) to plan something ahead of time. Either honoring & celebrating his life. You can’t naturally ignore it and Im sure you dont want to either. Maybe ask your close friends or Rons friends that were close to write a special memory or funny memory, something you may not even know of. Or if you have a best or very close friend, maybe they could contact some of your family or friends to do that for you. It might help even a little. Any comfort we can get, we need. My daughter, Amandas birthday is in July, Im sure that will very hard for me too. When was Ron’s birthday? Did you do anything or was it too hard? Maybe we can try to help each other. I know I sure need all the help and comfort I can get right now. My heart goes out to you and I wish for you to have some peace to get you through the day. Im sending you a hug.
Virginia
April 4, 2007 at 3:10 am
I don’t know how any of you feel.Thank god I never lost anyone close to me. I’m 18 years old and appreciate every single person in my life I love them so much .I can hardly breathe reading through your posts. The pain I cant even imagine. One of my schoolmates passed away this pass year, I knew him and I talked to him but We were not that close. I still cried. I went to his funeral and It was the sadist thing I ever seen. His mother was crying so hard I only seen that kind of sorrow in movies. He was the second son she lost in her life. She was so hurt, just screaming with tears. I hate seeing someone sad. Losing a child is beyond the worst thing that could happen. Losing any one leaves a feeling of empty ness. I hope with everything in my heart that you guys stay strong. And when you feel like there’s no point to go on there’s nothing to look forward to, use that empty ness to its potential. Keep your self busy. It doesn’t mean you have to forget. But we need good people on this earth. There’s no point in sitting around watching time pass you by, you can hold out your hand and help people who feel like you or volunteer somewhere that makes you feel good. Your post inspire me to take life to the fullest. We need to appreciate every moment. God bless.
April 14, 2007 at 3:50 pm
Oh Mom, I wanted so badly to take away your pain. I watched you leave this earth and go to another place. And I miss you so much. You were the only person on Earth who knew me so well, and understood me, and never jusged me. Your love was eternal and never ending. And I can’t stop crying.
April 23, 2007 at 9:22 pm
I lost my husband on 12/12/06. He was 47 and so am I. We didn’t have children because he got sick shortly after we were married in 1998 and children just weren’t possible. Neither of us knew when we got married that we would have such a short time together. His kidneys failed in 2001. As they were evaluating him for a kidney transplant, they discovered he had severe heart disease. He has open heart surgery, so many stents put in over the years, we lost count, several minor heart attacks and was on dialysis since 2001. He was so brave and so strong. He literally showed me how to handle it all – we knew he wouldn’t live a long life, but we were fortunate enough to be able to talk about it, which helped. But the day it happened – (a massive heart attack) – my whole life stopped. I know it was destined to happen and I knew one day I would probably be attending his funeral, but I never ever imagined how it would feel. I still talk to him in the car on my way to work and I still have my wedding ring on and his picture on my desk. I loved him so much and he loved me and I miss him every minute, although I don’t talk about it. To the world, I’m strong and cool and I handle being a widow “very well”, but that’s because nobody knows how lost I am inside. I try to be patient with myself and the grieving process. I know it will some day be easier, and I know it will take as long as it takes – I’m not pushing myself to “get over it” or anything close, but I really am so alone and so sad. I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere. I haven’t been excited about anything since he died and I just bristle when someone suggests I start dating again…I can’t even dream of doing that! He is not yet a box of pictures in the closet, you know?? He’s very much with me and a part of me still…I just needed to talk to people who know what this is because I really think grief, while it is “normal”, etc. it’s also a state of not being well – in any way – physically and emotionally. I think we forget that or don’t realize it. The loss of someone you love is devastating and it takes a long, long time to come to terms with it, and with who we are without them. I am lost without him. I trust that I will live through it, but I wonder who I’ll be when I emerge. I think about him more than anyone knows and it hurts that he’s gone – like someone gutted me. Thanks for listening.
May 1, 2007 at 2:51 pm
Today, I lost my friend,
the kind no one can replace.
The only person I foolishly
took for granted.
That one that loved me the most.
Today, as he closed his eyes,
for one last time, in death.
And as he did, I opened mine,
to the loneliness, the pain,
the misery, the grief,
in life.
Today, I face the world,
alone, broken and scared.
Today, my soul still aches
to hear his laughter,
to feel the warmth of his
unconditional love,
to know he is with me.
Today, 16 yrs later,
I still remember you, Leon.
I still love you, Leon.
I will always miss you, Leon.
Suzanne
April 27, 2007
Im glad I found this web site and some people who understand.
My love and prayers to all of you.