Mother’s Day Angst

Mother’s Day always breaks me up. The messages are everyplace to tell my Mom how much I love her. BUT I CAN’T except in my thoughts and heart.

I dread the day, seeing mothers and daughters together. but today I had a thought…..I’m going to make a donation to a charity that supports mothers in Mom’s honor.

then i feel like I am participating in Mother’s Day.

 

What A Waste

When I see people who have families bickering and badgering eachother sometimes I lose my patience. They are raging and angry because he said this or she did that. They are focused on the present moment but not the bigger picture.

I’m not talking about toxic people that suck life from you and you feel worse each time your a with them. I’m talking about the deep bonds that exist in families that are sometimes deeply disrespected. You know, right? The absolute waste of energy spent arguing about petty nonsense instead of finding common ground and being grateful every day for their presence in our lives.

After we have lost a loved one, so many people live with regrets of what they should have done or said. But really the saddest part is that often their is simply a myopic view of life. Living for today, letting the disappointment and hurt block the moment of appreciating we have our mother or father, or child or sibling or partner.

Being alone without family on holidays is always hard for me. That’s because I had a family that I deeply loved and who unconditionally loved me. How rare. But when i see others families sitting at a table bickering or the chair is empty because someone was angry and didn’t show up, I get angry and think what a waste. What a waste that these people don’t find the way to love eachother. Now. Not when it’s too late.

Sometimes being alone without family feels life pure freedom. I no longer worry. I don’t have sleepless nights. I don’t have the responsibility anymore about someones life. I am free of all of that and after so many years of being a caregiver it is a relief.

But all in all, being a caregiver was the single greatest pleasure in my life and the best thing i’ve ever done. through that experience I grew into being a magnificent women. I grew into being a woman I was proud of and who made good choices and lived each day with integrity…despite the indignities I had to fight against.

I probably have so much peace with myself amidst my loss because I chose to honor myself and my family and the ethics and integrity I was brought up with. I’ve been challenged though. A lot. Yet, I have remained steadfast despite the ugliness of infighting, stealing, lying, and other behaviors that usually follow the death of a loved one.

So, again, when I see people fighting, I just think what a waste. A waste of either their time if the people are just too toxic, or, a waste of love that isn’t being permitted to come to the surface.

Either way, each of my days feel so precious. I am grateful to be alive and cannot waste even one day of my life.

 

Closure and Healing

I got so angry watching the news tonite. I kept hearing the words “closure” and “healing” being used about the killings in Virginia. The newscasters showed footage of things returning to “normalcy” and kids returning to classes.

they had the audacity, or, stupidity, to say that it was the beginning of healing and gaining closure.

Are you out of your mind? It’s only a week. There is no one who lost a loved one or witnessed a tragedy like this who is anywhere near closure or healing. Impossible.

But, that’s our society…that doesn’t want to show the true grief. The media will show the graphic violence or the gratuitous interview with a sobbing family member, but there is no version of reality about the grief process expressed.

This is the moment to acknowledge and honor that grief is a slow process that is excruciating. There is no normalcy ever again. We are forever changed and to assert that going back to class is a return to normalcy is an insult to every bereaved person who knows life is never the same. life is never normal again. there is just a return to a routine while numb.

A reader shared in a comment on a previous post that she lost her son 9 years ago today and is suffering. the 20th anniversary of my Dad’s passing is this week and i’m still affected by it.

Of course we are. How could we not be? I created this blog so people can write the truth. So there are others sharing similar feelings and people know there is nothing wrong with them that they didn’t return to “normal” and maybe they still don’t have closure.

Please share your stories and feelings. Each time you do, you validate someone who desperately may need to hear it because there are few messages of what grief is really like out there.

Thank you all for your comments and please keep sharing.

 

The Students at Virginia

All of us who have lost a loved one know only too well what the family members of the students who lost their lives are feeling. We know. The shock, the anger, the rage, the fear, and the pain. It’s horrific.

And, just a reminder…..we can be triggered to reliving our losses by watching and listening to this tragedy. Our empathy runs deep for others and can cause our own pain to resurface quickly.

Still, we send our prayers and thoughts to the families.

 

Saying Goodbye

Saying Goodbye:

My Dad died suddenly and the only solace I had was that I happened to be visiting my parents when he died. The night before he died we went for a walk and had a long discussion. He made a prophecy about my life and it is something I have held on to. He died many years ago but the conversation the night before his death is vivid in my memory. I remember the feeling of his hand in mine as he told me what he felt my life would be about. I remember his words and his smile. I remember he kissed me on the forehead goodnight. I was lucky. He had unwittingly said goodbye to me.

Copyright 2006-7. Barbara Cole. All rights reserved.

 

It’s Coming

I feel the day creeping up on me. It’s the anniversary of Dad’s death and it doesn’t matter how many years ago he died, it still feels awful. Awful because I miss him so much and he died so suddenly, so unexpectedly.

A friend told me once that the anniversary of her Dad’s death was just like any other day because she misses him every day. Yeah, okay. but i don’t buy it.

For me it is impossible to not relive the day and remember. It’s impossible to comprehend that I have managed to live my life without his guidance and kindness and support.

I get angry at these people who make me feel like I’m over reacting for feeling. I think it is much braver to feel my loss than cover it up and say that I rejoice in remembering his life. I am human. Of course I celebrate the wonderful Dad I had, but I miss him and believe that the anniversary of one’s passing is a day to be acknowledged.

 

Holiday

Holiday:

Family can be our biggest triggers especially after loss because we all deal with it so differently. In my extended family, talking about our losses is not good form. They don’t like to discuss it because it’s “depressing” but I think it’s healing. I am not permitted to express myself freely with my extended family because I am shut down.

It’s hard on holidays when I would like to be with people that I share history with and I could remember my family with. I’ve decided to spend my holidays with people who let me be myself but sadly, they don’t know who I am referring to.

It’s not that I spend the entire time talking or crying or beating my breast. I just say what I feel when I feel it. And I doubt I will ever have a holiday when I won’t remember my family. Why should i?

HOW WAS YOUR HOLIDAY???

Copyright 2006-7. Barbara Cole. All rights reserved.

 

Self Care

Self care and care giving don’t go together. Everyone means well but unless they have cared for a seriously ill person, I’m not sure they understand just how stressful and exhausting it is. It is different than caring for a child because there is a future to look forward to. Caring for an ill loved one results in a life without them.

Well meaning people told me to make sure I take care of myself. I wondered how when I had to manage a high stress job, Mom’s care, regular emergency room visits, and every moment knowing it may be the last day I saw Mom.

I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t strong enough or perhaps emotionally removed enough to practice self care. It was important to me to give Mom the best care I possibly could and that involved me being involved. There just wasn’t enough time or energy to go around.

I read once caring for a sick child for a few years could add 10 years to one’s age. I think caring for an elderly parent certainly is up there too. Especially when you have life and death decisions to make and the responsibility for the legal things like DNR’s and advanced directives. I didn’t realize how fatigued and battle weary I was. After Mom died, it took about a year for my body and mind to realize there were no more emergencies. I could go to sleep with the telephone turned off.

Copyright 2006-7. Barbara Cole. All rights reserved.

 

I forgot to ask

The woman who does my hair is Russian and yesterday she asked me where my family is originally from. I recited the bits of information about the part of Russia I thought my grandmother was from. Natasha asked me questions about all of my grandparents and what part of eastern Europe they were from. I was frustrated as I struggled to remember what Mom and Dad told me many years ago. It’s gone from my memory perhaps erased by all the years of stress from care giving. I went home and I wanted to be able to ask Mom. Like a wisp of smoke it has disappeared. I could probably do some research and find out but I won’t. Because what I want is to be able to ask Mom more than I want the information.

Copyright 2006-7. Barbara Cole. All rights reserved.

 

Righteous Grief

I don’t like to grade loss. Each of our losses is precious to us and each of us feels our pain differently. Still, it happens all the time that we hear or find ourselves measuring our loss to someone else.

“My Mom died and my kids will never know their grandmother” or “I lost a sibling and a parent in a short time” or “I lost both of my parents within a year”. Or, the all time trump card, “I lost a child; there is nothing worse than losing a child”. There is one that even trumps that, “I lost my entire family”.

I avoid these words because often, I win the contest, and it’s a contest I don’t want to win. It also gives me plenty of room to be a victim if I wanted to. Also, it leads to a futile discussion about whether it is worse to lose someone suddenly or to a long illness.

You know how when you are waiting for results while a loved one is in surgery or ICU and everyone in the room has the same expression on their face? Those rooms equalize us regardless of our financial situation, our religion, our race, and our age. We are all waiting with an aching heart. We are equal. And usually we support each other in that small waiting room because we all understand how hard it is to wait—hoping for good news.

Well, after the initial loss has passed and the anger over how or when our loved one died, we become equal. We all hurt and suffer and grieve. Grading our loss is just a temporary way to feel better or worse about our situation, but nothing changes it. We all are grieving.

Copyright 2006-7. Barbara Cole. All rights reserved.